I got the 'pat down' treatment from the TSA last week when I returned from Maui. Don't know what all the fuss is about. I didn't feel a thing!

After seeing an episode of 'Sherlock Holmes,' I bought a Meerchaum Pipe thinking it would make me look cool and distinguished. Can't keep the damn thing lit! Stupid pipe!

Oscar the octopus experiences an equipment malfunction in one of his 8 appendages!

"Dang tentacle cramp! Geez that hurts! Retract damn you RETRACT!"